We're officially just over five months into the process right now - and I know, those of you who have gone through this are like, "Pssh, that's NOTHING!", but we feel like we've done SO MUCH so far! The thought of blogging it all just dawned on me yesterday (I guess I've had enough time off this summer for my brain to clear enough for some reflection!), so I plan on doing a few retrospective posts of the major milestones we've already hit. But for now, I thought I'd start with the questions I'm happy-to-but-tired-of answering. Pregnant ladies all get the "When are you due?"s and "Are you craving ground pinecones?"s and so on, but I get these:
1. Oh, can you not have your own babies?
Let's start this answer by saying this child will very much be our own. Adoption is one way to create a family, and it is honestly the way I've wanted to create a family since I learned about it when I was younger. My aunt is adopted, my good friend is adopted, and I was completely obsessed with the movie Annie. The idea of international adoption just spoke to me, for reasons I'll discuss later. Quite frankly, pregnancy freaks me out. I just don't have that desire that so many women seem to have. I do very much have the desire to help others, though, and there's a child out there that could use our help. That makes me happy.
When Mike and I were dating, we discussed moving the relationship forward, and our ideas on having children. I told him I wanted to adopt and he was on board. He has a pragmatic approach to it - why create a life when there's already one waiting for us? However, being that he's so good-looking, he thought it would be a good idea to pass on his genes to one bio-kid, and then adopt. I agreed, knowing that I always get my way anyway.
After a whole month of trying without results, I knew something was wrong. I went to my doctor who laughed and sent me away, telling me to keep trying for a year before she'd do any testing. Six months later I came back and demanded all the tests, which all came back clear. Huh. Mike was super-busy with work at that point, so it wasn't until July of 2012, 14 months after our wedding, that he was able to go in for his test. Turns out he had zero sperms, so, as every kid who's passed Grade Nine Phys-Ed knows, we could not make a human child. We looked at each other and said, "Well, alright, let's look into this adoption thing now, then!" The doctor tried to offer hilarious things like surgical procedures and donor sperms, and we giggled all the way out of her office.
If infertility had to happen to any two people, I'm glad it was us. Not only can we handle it, we rock it!
2. So, when do you, like, get the baby?
We don't know! Isn't that fun? The adoption agency has given us some timeline guides, but they can vary, a lot. I've been reading blogs and newsletter articles and what-nots, and the average time from first phone call to entering Canada with the child seems to be around the three year mark. It could be shorter, and it could be much, much longer.
Then know what else is fun? Post-placement reports! For the first six months with the child, some social worker or other will be popping his or her head all up in our business to make sure we're keeping the child alive and such. That has to be approved. THEN we have to make the child a Canadian citizen with a bunch of paperwork and a trip or two to Ottawa. THEN, finally, after the child has been home for some three years, the adoption becomes finalized!
Makes the fact that you were a whole three days overdue before you delivered your little bundle of joy seem a little less horrific, eh?
3. What, why do you have to wait so long? There are thousands of children in orphanages around the world, can't you just go pick one out?
Unfortunately, it's not that simple. Should it be, for us? Sure. We're trustworthy. We're a good couple. We have good jobs, we're educated, we're home owners, we're nice, we're loving, we have supportive families, we're healthy, we take ridiculously good care of our dogs, we have no criminal records, and we both smell wonderful. You all know that. The thing is, we have to prove this to first a social worker, then to the Ontario government (via our adoption agency), then to the Thai government. Then they have to find a child for us, and we (and our doctors) have to approve the child, then we have to wait to travel there, then we have to have meetings there, and then we go home. Dude, it's a lot of paperwork, and I'm sure everyone is moving as quickly as they can, but it's for the well-being of a human life.
4. It's free, right?
HA! No. More like ~$40 000. Most of it seems to be paid up front within the first year of paperwork and social workers and such. Then a big chunk for travel expenses, then a big chunk for post-placement stuff. I'll be posting another time about what we've paid so far. If you ever want to donate, let me know, I'll set something up.
5. With all that money and the fact that Asia's a little dodgy, do you worry you're buying your baby from the black market?
The thought has crossed our minds, but it's not very likely, given all the agencies this has to go through, and the highly-reassuring fact that the orphanage we will be working with (assuming everything gets approved!) is through the Red Cross.
6. How did your child's parents die?
Well, we haven't been matched yet, so we don't know anything about our child, including his birthfamily history. However, most children at this orphanage are placed there due to poverty. Others are there because having children out of wedlock is still highly frowned upon in Thailand, and there are no supports for single mothers like we have here in Canada. They may be refugees from the tribal warfare in north-eastern Thailand. There are a million possibilities, and we hope we get some information about the birthfamily as we move forward. But we may not, we may never know, we may always have to play "probably" with the child. It's not fair, but it's a fact of international adoption.
7. What kind of a baby will you be getting?
A human one! That's the only given. We've requested healthy (but people can have health problems that aren't apparent in the first few years of life), under five (average age at time of travel is 2.5 yrs), and either sex (for some reason, Thailand has more boys than girls available, so we've been referring to the child as a 'he' but will be ever so happy for a girl too!). It's almost impossible that we'll be given a newborn, it just doesn't work that way, and although we know the benefits of 'being there from the beginning,' we have to accept the fact that it won't happen. Most children coming out of Thailand are healthy, well-adjusted, and bright. I don't know what exactly goes on at the orphanage, or what kind of a life the child had prior to the orphanage, but we're hoping for good things. Preparing for bad things, but hoping for good.
8. Why Thailand? Don't you care about the Canadian children in need of a home?
Here's the breakdown of how we selected Thailand:
Step One - Michelle lived in Asia for a bunch of years and is totes comfortable with the continent and the people. So Asia would be good. Plus, as we like to say, our last name just fits! :D
Step Two - Select an agency that is registered with the Ontario government. There aren't many. Lean towards ones that are based close, especially in Ottawa. Find one (The Children's Bridge) which has several Asian countries to choose from, which keeps their website well maintained, and which actually has someone on the other end of the line when you call!
Step Three - Read that most programs only accept couples beyond their second year of marriage. Wait. Watch it like a hawk, see a few spots open in South Korea, in India, in Thailand. Wait. See spots open in Thailand two months before your second anniversary. Call anyway and speak with Shelley, the most wonderful person who can hear your enthusiasm and it brings her back to her first phone call when she began her adoption journey.
Step Four - Shelley sends you a Whole Bunch of Papers. Everything looks good and away you go. Thailand it is!
And YES, we care about the Canadian children too. But private adoptions (though we'd be good candidates, according to very flattering sources) are next to impossible - there were 88 in Ontario last year. 88. There must be thousands of would-be parents registered on private adoption sites who go without year after year, getting older and older, sadder and sadder. I don't want to go through that and be disappointed. Plus the birthfamily has ages to change their mind. That's terrifying. As for CAS adoptions, we find it too painful that these children have been ripped from their birthfamilies as a last resort. Nobody wanted their family to end like that. It's all awful and sad, but just for us personally, we're less uncomfortable with the idea that a child has been abandoned than we are with a child who has been taken away - all in the best interest of the child, of course, but still.
9. That was sad. Let's talk about something more positive. Naming!!!
The child will have our last name (hee hee), but we're not sure for the rest. If he is two and a half already (or even as young as nine months), he already knows his name. He absolutely can be renamed as we choose, however, we might not. If it's a cool Thai name that we like, that's easy to pronounce and spell, and most importantly, that isn't easily mock-able by his will-be classmates, we'll probably keep it. His name will at least stay as a middle name, no matter what. This child will be losing his whole world - gaining a new one, yes, but completely taking away his name seems a little cold. We'll start discussing possible other first names / middle names when/if it all progresses.
10. Does he speak English?
Nope, probably not. Maybe we'll get lucky and some of his nannies will learn he's coming to Canada and teach him a few words before we get there. Either way, we've started learning a bit of Thai (awesome free Apps available for this!) and will get more serious about it when/if the time comes. He will learn English, probably with some delays, but he's got an official ESL teacher as a mommy, so hopefully he'll do well!
So... there. Those are my top ten. If you have any other questions, feel free to leave them below or on my Facebook. Next time I'll take you back to those first baby steps and how far we've come already!
